we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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