My balls are so social today.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
