There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
