Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Four minutes until I can fart!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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