ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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