My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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