Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
