I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's never too late to be topless.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
