Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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