remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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