You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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