I showed him my bush... on skype.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
