he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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