If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
