life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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