I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
