Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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