take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
