you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
