so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
