Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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