need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
