Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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