dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
