my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
