i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
nutella sex= disaster
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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