the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
