I need to stop coming to work sober
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
