I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
my poor anus
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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