Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
