Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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