I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
