if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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