Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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