Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
