So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
