I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
