now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
as a side note pls kill me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
