Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
