If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
