we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
All I want is dick and wine.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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