he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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