I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was born a porn star she said
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize