Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
