i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize