Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
