epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize