Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
