I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
