I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
