i already hear my dad disowning me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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