I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
