I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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