I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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