Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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