Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it was like eating out sand paper
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
