I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize