Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
