dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
