I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
