drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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