My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
