cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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