Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
