I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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